Here it is....the day before another embryo transfer. Yep, you read it right! We decided we are going to attempt our 3rd and final IVF cycle. My insurance only covers 50% of three attempts for each baby, so after this one, we are done. It's unfortunate that insurance doesn't cover more.
Don't misunderstand it though, we are still looking to adopt. We just decided that we wanted to try one last time. We would have always had the "what if" running through our minds had we not exhausted all three tries.
As I look back on my past two failed cycles, I tried to figure out what went wrong. Was it something I did? Did I go back to work too soon after the transfer? Was I too stressed out from all the problems at work? Was I over-exerting myself? Was there something seriously wrong with my body that the doctor's just couldn't figure out? Apparently there was something wrong with my body, but whether or not "fixing" this will lead to a baby, who knows? Troy and I also decided that this is all or nothing. This is our LAST chance! We want to do it right, and keep me stress-free! The only way to do this was to stop working! So we decided that I would take medical leave to remove all unnecessary stressors from my life!
My third IVF cycle officially started on April 14, 2012 when they started me on birth control pills. However, prior to the "official start" of my third cycle, the doctor wanted another HSG done. I was definitely not thrilled to hear this! Although initially I was less than thrilled about the HSG, I was happy that my doctor decided that there must be something wrong since the IVF hasn't worked. After all, I started IVF when I was 29, and I am a healthy individual! The HSG was extremely uncomfortable (but then again, are there any comfortable procedures in the fertility world???) but at least it is done and over with! I later found out that "something" appeared on the X-Rays from the HSG. Was it a polyp, fibroids, or some other mass? We would have to wait and see.
Back to the birth control pills. I know what you're thinking. Why would they put you on birth control pills? Well, the simple answer to that is so they have control over my cycle! The birth control pills "quiet" my ovaries which prevents ovulation and prevents me from starting a period (the ovulation thing wouldn't matter anyways since my tubes are gone but the period thing does! They need to know when my period will start). Anyways, a few days after I started the BC pills, I went in for a saline sonogram. Another pretty uncomfortable fertility procedure! Talk about some serious cramping afterwards! This is where the doctor was able to determine what that "thing" was they found during the HSG. During this sonogram, the doctor discovered that I had a somewhat large polyp in my uterus. A polyp is extremely significant when it comes to fertility, as it takes up space in the uterus....space which is needed for an embryo to implant. Before I could proceed any further, I had to have it surgically removed.
May 3rd, 2012 was the day! The day I had the polyp removed. This is also the day my medical leave officially started. However, the day before my surgery, I received a phone call from Shady Grove Fertility stating that Kaiser (my insurance provider) denied my claim for the surgery. The DAY BEFORE!!!! I was so upset! What am I supposed to do now? I must have that surgery! Troy and I decided to proceed with the surgery...and we'll have to pay out of pocket for the entire surgery. They'll just have to get their money when we have it! So the surgery goes on as planned. It was a pretty quick surgery. Afterwards, the doctor said the polyp was rather large and that they were sending it to the lab for screening (to make sure it is not cancerous). I haven't heard anything about that, so I'm assuming all is well.
Here comes May 8th, 2012. At this point, I'm pretty much all healed up from surgery. Still not 100%, but I'm getting there. Now it's time for blood work and an ultrasound. Yep, another ultrasound. By the way, they're vaginal ultrasounds.....not external on the stomach! The technician who took my blood did an awful job! She used a needle much too large (should have used a butterfly, but she didn't) and I could feel her moving the needle around in my arm. Needless to say, to this day I STILL have a bruise on my arm. Thankfully though the bump (blood clot) she created has gone away. The purpose of this appointment was to make sure the birth control pills did their job and would determine whether or not my body was ready to begin the del estrogen injections. The results came back, and we were good to go. Only one problem. I didn't have the medicine or supplies I needed! Apparently, one of the nurses at SGF called my medication in about 3 weeks prior, but failed to inform me of this! So here we were, scrambling to get my medicine so I could begin it that night. I called Kaiser, and because they received the order 3 weeks ago and I didn't pick up the medicine, they put in back on the shelf. So they had to refill it. Thankfully all went well, and I was able to pick it up later that afternoon.
Picture this.....I place an ice pack on my tooshy every third evening, wait for it to become numb, then my husband so lovingly injects me with del estrogen. This one isn't that bad though. It's .2 ml every third day and we are able to use a 22G needle. I warm everything up afterwards by placing a heating pad on my toosh after the injection. At least with a frozen embryo transfer cycle, I don't have to inject medicine into my stomach about 4 times a day! (my first cycle was a FRESH cycle....a lot of complications there. second cycle was a frozen cycle. third is another frozen cycle).
It sure was nice while it lasted.....one shot every third night. Not anymore! May 19th arrived, and it's time for another fantastic ultrasound and blood work. This time, we need to see if my body and uterine lining are ready for the second medication. Of course it is! My body has always responded well to the medication....just not to the implantation! So now I start progesterone in oil. This one is EVERY night....and the needle is a bit larger because the medicine is quite a bit thicker! It's an 18G needle....and the medicine burns going in! Not only that, but it makes my tooshy hurt big time! We do rotate "cheeks" every night, but that doesn't help much! Instead of one cheek hurting, I have two! I still do the del estrogen, so every third night I get two fantastic shots!
And now we're back to the day before the embryo transfer! My emotions are going crazy right now. I woke up in the middle of the night last night covered in tears. Reality has hit. This is it. What if it doesn't work? This is my last chance to fulfill my lifelong dream of becoming a mom. I know there's adoption....but it's not the same. I want nothing more then to be able to experience the feeling of having a little miracle growing inside of me. I want nothing more then to be able to give birth. I want nothing more then to hold a tiny little baby in my arms, give him or her a name, and gaze into the eyes of my little miracle. I can't help but to think....what have I done so horribly wrong that I am not blessed with a little one? Why is it that teenagers are having babies every day, yet I can't have one with my husband? For the most part, I have accepted the hand that has been dealt to me. But why should I have to accept it? Why can't I be given something better?
Do I feel sorry for myself? Absolutely not! But I do feel confused. Hurt. Frustrated. Anxious. ALONE. I want to be positive about this cycle. I'm TRYING to be positive about this cycle, but it's hard when you keep replaying the phone calls from the past.....the one I received from my nurse after my pregnancy test for each cycle. She started each message with "I'm so sorry that I don't have better news..........." and that's all I remember her saying. How can you forget that? How can that not have a major impact on my feelings towards this cycle?
Maybe. What if. I hope so. We'll see. I don't know. What else can I say?!
